Realization

pete3357@mail.georgian.edu

She stood staring out of the window and into the driving rain as he drove away.  He seemed to always be leaving.  Forever turning away.

Sighing, she walked over to the couch and sat down.  This was not what she expected things to be like.  Of course she knew that he would be running off to save the world, but she had thought he would be coming back to her.  Sure, he'd pop into her office to say hello and let her know that he was alright, but then he was off again.  She wanted more, but he didn't.  He was content with things the way they were. 

Shaking her head she stood up and picked up an envelop. She stared at it knowing it's contents without even opening it.  It was like many others she had gotten over the last few years.  An offer for a job out of state.  She stared at the return address.  It was a good firm, and the pay would be excellent, but could she give up    everything that she had here? she asked herself as she put the envelop down and started to wonder just what she had.  First there was the job, one that would be filled by a qualified person within a matter of minutes after she handed in a resignation.  After all there were plenty of talented lawyers waiting for the chance to be ADA, and since it didn't seem like she'd be promoted anytime soon.

. .  So that was one thing that she had, but not entirely.  The DA's office would run just as smoothly without her there.

So what else was there?  HOPES?  Well there were plenty of staff members who ran it efficiently.  She might have started it, but she wasn't the heart of it anymore.  Her only function was as a fund-raiser and as a counselor for the battered woman's group.  She could still raise money from elsewhere.  She could run another group

and there was someone else who would be interested in taking over the one at HOPES, so that wasn't a reason to stay either.

Nervously she ran her hand through her blonde hair, as she did she felt her engagement ring catch in her hair.  Laughing slightly, she reached up with her other hand and untangled it.  Once free she moved her hand so that she could look at it.  Standing there in the dark, she realized that the stone reflected only cold light.  She closed her eyes, trying to recall if there was any feeling in it. 

In the eyes of the man who had given it to her.  And she did.  There was love as he proposed, but it was mixed with fear. 

"What do you see now Alex, when you look into his eyes?" she asked herself as she looked at the ring and conjured up an image of Walker's face.  She could see his eyes laughing and a comfort there.  A comfort of knowing that she was there.  That she understood him.  And yes even love.  "But is that enough? Is it what you really want?" she asked herself as she looked around her empty apartment.

Scanning the apartment, she thought about what she had once planned for her life. She had always wanted a career and a family.  She had one, but sometimes she felt that it was at the cost of the other. 

And she did want the other... "So does Walker" she reminded herself.  *But does he do anything about achieving it?* a voice asked her.  "No." she was forced to answer.  "Not since Lucas" 

*And not before either.* the voice countered.  Alex nodded sadly.  It was the truth.  As fantastic as her cowboy was with children, he never talked about their having them.  She had always thought it was a forgone conclusion that one day they would, but the time for one day was starting to run out and it didn't seem like anything was going to happen.

"I waited 7 years for him to propose, why can't I wait a little while longer for him to set a date?" she asked herself. *Because you know he won't.* the nagging voice said.  Alex stood shocked for a moment at the thought, but as she looked at the ring, she knew it was the truth.  Smiling sadly she realized what she had to do. . .

3 days later

Walker walked over to where C.D. and Trivette stood talking at the bar, glad to be back after working undercover for the last 2 1/2 days.  "C.D., Trivette, what's wrong?" he asked as they gave him looks that could kill faster than bullets. The two men looked at each other and shrugged.  C.D. turned away and started wiping down the countertop, while Trivette drained the contents of his coffee cup and got up. "Jimmy is something wrong?" Walker asked concerned.

"I don't know if I'd put it like that." Trivette said as he stood.  "But I think I'd steer clear of a whole mess of people right now. 

You're not exactly Mr. Popularity at the moment."

"Why's that?" Walker asked as he scanned the room.  "And where's Alex?  Shouldn't she be here by now?" he added, causing C.D. to grunt and Trivette to shake his head. 

"I'm out of here Big Dog." Jimmy said as he started to walk away. 

"Tell me if you hear anything."

"Will do, Jimmy." C.D. said as he turned to watch the man leave, knowing he would return the favor. 

"OK, C.D., what's going on?" Walker asked.

"Dag nam it, Cordell?  What the hell did you do to her this time?" he asked, a touch of anger in his voice.

"Do to who?" Walker asked completely perplexed.

"Alex, who else?"

"Nothing." Walker said, and then held up his hands. "I swear C.D.  I didn't do anything." he added at his friends look. "Why is she upset about something?  Maybe I should go talk to her." Walker continued as he started to stand up.

"Sit down." C.D. said. 

"But. . ."

"It ain't gonna do no good.  She's gone." C.D. informed him softly.

"What do you mean, 'she's gone?'" Walker asked, a touch of panic in his voice.

"Just that. "C.D. replied as he slammed the towel onto the counter. 

"She didn't show the other day for breakfast, so Jimmy went to the apartment, but found it empty. . ."

"What did he do?  Damnit, why wasn't I called?  Are there any leads?" Walker asked, concern evident in his voice.

"He didn't have to do anything.  By the time he got there, Alex had already been to the DA and handed in her resignation.  Apparently she got some great job offer somewhere and left town."

"She wouldn't do that..." Walker protested softly.

"Wouldn't she?" C.D. asked and gave a hollow little laugh.  "For such a great Ranger, you can be the most muleheaded man I ever met.  She called to say good-bye.  Didn't even come in.  For the life of me I didn't understand why.  But Jimmy and I got to talking and I think we figured it out.  She didn't want us to talk her out of leaving."

"Well you should've tried."

"Walker!" C.D. chided in exasperation. "Don't you think we did? 

Don't you think everyone did?  But we weren't the ones she wanted to see something from."

"C.D. what do you mean?"

"She wanted to see it from you.  She wanted you to show her she was wanted."

"She was.  C.D. she knew it."

"Did she?"

"Of course, she did.  We were engaged for pete's sake!"

"Yeah, for how long?" C.D. shot back as realization came over him. 

"You sure did nothing alright. Guess she got tired of waiting for you to take to the saddle."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You figure it out, I've got customers to attend to." C.D. said gruffly as he turned and walked away, leaving Walker all alone.