A Typical Day

A Satire by Jim Griffin

It was a typical day in the life of Mr. & Mrs. Cordell Walker. Walker had heard a noise, so he was outside checking on it. (No one have ever been able to explain, why, with Walker's Cherokee intuition, he always went outside to check on a noise, despite the fact it inevitably was inside the ranch house). Alex was tied to the bed as usual, surrounded by a bunch of psycho bad guys who were attempting to have their way with her. After searching fruitlessly outside, Walker came back to the bedroom, where he was hit over the head by a criminal hiding behind the door. After several moments, Walker was awakened by Alex's screams, and was promptly beaten unconscious by the 15 bad guys, again wrecking the house in the process. He untied Alex, who fell breathlessly into Walker's arms.

He tenderly asked her "What's for breakfast?" While they were eating, Walker asked his wife "Who’s turn is it to call the insurance adjuster?" "Don't you remember", Alex replied, "we've used every insurance company in the entire Southwest. We can't get any more homeowner's insurance. Besides, it was time to redecorate anyway. The house hasn't been invaded and destroyed for over a week and a half." After breakfast, Walker said to Alex "Honey, it's time to go to work.

Do you remember which car had the bomb in it yesterday?" I think it was the Ram", replied Alex. "OK, then it's in your car today- I'll disarm the bomb," said Walker. "Oh, wait, it's too soon, Darling. You have to go open your car door and get tangled in your seat belt, so I can stop the explosion exactly 1.2 seconds before it happens" "Of course, your right,” replied Alex. “What was I thinking? Just give me a chance to do my hair, & I'll be right out." After Alex was saved from the bomb, she told Walker 'We're in a rut- it's time for a vacation."

"OK' said Walker, how about this weekend?"
No, that's not good." said Alex" I have to prosecute a murder at 9:00, get my hair done at 10:00, prosecute an arsonist at 11:00, get my hair done at Noon, get kidnapped at lunch, get my hair done at 2:00, prosecute a wife abuser at 3:00, get my hair redone at 4:00, and help battered women at 5:00, and a final hair touch up at 6:00."

"Then, I have to come home to the ranch, where the phone and electric wires will be cut, so you can rescue me from a revenge seeking ex con I put away for life, but who was naturally paroled on a technicality." How about in two weeks?" No, replied Walker," I have to help save a school that day, stop a drug lord, save a child with no father, plus I'm scheduled to get a knife in the gut that day, so I'll be in the hospital for 20 minutes before I'm released in time for a car chase through downtown Dallas. I should be home in time for dinner, though. This is a short car chase- Only 7 or 8 cars will be wrecked, only two will explode, and only a half-dozen innocent bystanders will be killed." I'll come home by helicopter, so I'll jump out of it onto the ex-con before he gets on the porch- Is that OK?" "As long as Uncle Ray cooks, that schedule works for me", declared Alex. "But we still haven't decided on a vacation date."

"How about next month, on the 15th?'" replied Walker.
"Perfect, darling", replied Alex" Now, which vacation should we take?" "Let's see, said Walker, "last time it was the fishing trip where we were chased by explosive wielding drug dealers", and the time before that it was the boating trip where we were sunk by a crew of smugglers". I think it's time for the trip to a cabin in the woods, where I will be incapacitated by a gunshot, and you'll have to run blindly in circles until you sprain your ankle. I'll call Trivette and see if he's available." “Walker, Alex protested, "Must Trivette always come on our vacations?" Replied Walker impatiently but tenderly, "Honey, you know Trivette must come- First, his car has to be demolished. Second, he also has to be captured by the crooks. And third, after I come to, subdue the 16 criminals surrounding you, and take you tenderly in my arms, Trivette has to always escape his captors and show up just too late to do anything except handcuff the bad guys. You know C.D. always joined us too, except that typhoon is still raging in Japan six years after C.D. arrived there. And besides, if we went alone, we might actually have the chance to sleep together, which just wouldn't be right. After all, I'm a Texas Ranger, and you're an Assistant DA." Alex replied- "Your absolutely right, my Darling, how silly of me to forget."

Finally, the vacation day arrived. After only a short delay, to say goodbye to Gage and Sydney, stop a bank robbery, and have Jimmy leave behind his health food, cell phone, and jammies, Alex and Walker were off. The trip to the cabin was uneventful. Walker rescued a family from a burning car, stopped a runaway truck, and transferred from Alex's convertible to a helicopter (after Trivette took the wheel of the car), to jump onto an Amtrak train which was being robbed. The only delay was due to a snafu in Alex's hairdressing schedule. While she had made appointments for a new hairdo every 50 miles, one of the salons was burned down by a vengeful hairdresser named Sergio, who hated her upswept look. The search for a new salon took them 75 miles out of the way. When they finally arrived at the cabin, there was a note from the psychopathic killer who had been waiting for Alex, explaining that he had to leave for his ballet lessons, but would return in three days to blow up the cabin and chase Alex aimlessly through the woods. He apologized in the note, and hoped the delay wouldn't be too inconvenient.

Oh, dear" exclaimed Alex when she read the note, "that means three days with the same hairdo- Walker, can I borrow the wig?" Walker replied, "Alex, I love you, and I'd do anything for you, except loan you my wig or make love to you- After all, we've only known each other for ten years, and we can't rush into this relationship- We've only been married for two years now- besides, we still haven't sent Trivette on a wild goose chase yet. That boy is so darn funny- ten years a Ranger, but still falls for every obvious joke we play. " As if on cue, Trivette walked in the door.

"Hey Walker," he yelled out, ' I was just run off the road on the way out for firewood- something must have been wrong with the Mustang, though- it didn't explode like it always does". Don't worry about it, replied Walker, 'it's time for you to fall for another wild goose chase first" Naturally, that night, Trivette was lost in the woods, and all had a hearty laugh on him. Because of the delay in arrival caused by Alex's late hair appointment, the only excitement was the busload of Girl Scouts Walker rescued single-handedly from the lake. Finally, the mad psychopathic vengeful ex-con arrived.

Jeffery Muhammad Trevor Von Higenberg Espinoza Smith was the ex-con. He was a drug dealer, gang member, arsonist, wife beater, truck hijacker, murderer, and had three unpaid parking tickets. He politely knocked on the cabin door to let Walker, Alex, and Trivette know of his arrival. "What's the plan? He asked Walker. Walker replied disgustedly "You know the drill by now". First, you cut all the telephone and electric wires. Then, Trivette and I will come out looking for you. You hit Trivette over the head and tie him up. Then, you shoot me in the back, and Alex will conveniently run out of the cabin just before you blow it up. You'll chase her in circles through the woods for 39 minutes, and then she'll trip and sprain her ankle. This will give me enough time to recover from the gunshot wound (after all, a shot in the back will only take out my kidneys, liver, spleen, and a lung), and karate you and your accomplices into submission. How many other thugs did you bring with you?" Smith announced "I brought all my homeys- seventeen of them" Walker was livid "What do you mean, only seventeen?!!!!! You know I never beat up less than twenty-five at a time. I won't even need to come back on a horse that appears out of nowhere to rescue my bride- Oh, well, seventeen will have to do."

It turned out to be a perfect vacation. Everyone played their part exactly. Trivette got hit on the head, Walker got shot, the cabin was blown sky high, and Alex sprained her ankle. And, as always, Alex's hair never got mussed. She left the cabin, was chased for 26 minutes, got her hair done into a stunning new 'do, and was chased for 13 more minutes before she sprained her ankle and was caught. Walker beat up all the bad guys, Trivette arrived just in time to cuff them all, and Sydney and Gage jumped out of the helicopter just in time to miss all the action. The trip back to Dallas was again uneventful, with only 3 car chases and a bridge collapse. Walker and Alex deposited Trivette at his apartment, where he again had no date waiting. It was a little know fact that Trivette was also a priest, with a vow of celibacy. Upon returning the ranch, Walker and Alex fell back into the same routine. Walker heard a noise and went outside to check it, got hit over the head, and came back inside in time to rescue Alex, who was tied to the bed and surrounded by psychopathic killers.

"Darling", Alex said, "We're in a rut-we need a vacation."